Dear you,

You sitting there not noticing me.  You looking at me but not realizing I’m there.  You who I talk to because you are everything I wish I could be.  You who is always better than me.  Dear you, I hope you understand when I tell you that I want you yet I can’t have you, I strive for you acceptance, only to realize that I can never get there.  You may never know me or you may never realize what you are to me but I want you to know that I want to be you, have you.  But know I can’t.  You are my goal something I look for, something I reach towards if only to miss by fractions.

Don’t stop being you, for I couldn’t be me

Sincerely,

Me

I wonder sometimes, if I hadn’t burned it all if I wouldn’t feel like it was so far gone.

I like it though.

The distance.

I removed it like one removes the excess.  Too much baggage for a heart too weak to handle it all.

I house no ill thoughts only fond memories, no need to pester the raging wound that I cauterized that night.  I can only imagine the damage I could’ve done to myself so long ago if I had not led my path on impulse.  It was perfect and quiet they way you see it in the movies,  the water drops falling into the flames, threatening to douse, the innocence lost and the opening closed.  Forever to be a fortress void of feelings.

Maybe not forever, but for awhile.  I cannot expect myself to be cold forever.  I am no robot.  I will not let myself be swallowed into that abyss.  I stood on its edge gazing into its heart and I turned around, not looking back, but forward to the future new and fresh.

This world is too beautiful and interesting to commit myself to a desperate path of self-destruction.  I don’t know what is right for me in these times.  All I know is that if I do not make any of the pathes I choose my right path I will forever be teetering on that abyss.

Looking down.

Staring at it.

Hoping that it is not mine.

Hoping that I have some way to balanced.

Hoping I will not dive, lost and alone.

c,

I have a story for you.

I burned it all.  I left it in the ash.  I left it in the forest.  The forest behind my house.  I left it all out there.  I buried it but I burned it.

I burned a part of myself and left it there.  I knew there was no turning back, but I did it anyway.  The dancing flames lit may face as they fought the drizzle.  I burned a piece of me, and left it there.

I have lived two lives now I see, I lived one life and left it in the woods.  It feels like it was a long time ago.  I cauterized that wound.  The wound left dripping and sore.  That life is resting its pain now, it needs not fret for it has taken the big sleep.

I left a part of my being out there and it need not worry.

Life has many lives, every one will make you wonder about the last, but you can’t sit there a flounder in those thoughts.  They seem like a deep ocean but they are really a shallow pond.  It will evaporate, it will leave you high and dry.  And you should ask yourself, what island do you want to lie beached on?

Do you want that new island to be barren and empty?  Or do you want it vibrant cluttered.

Don’t think of each past life as a part of you to be pined for.  That part had its time and now all it wants is to rest.  Give it the respite that it so longs for, because you have a new journey to be brave for.  Fear will drive you but your bravery will get you through and on top.

Don’t flounder be brave.

s

I am omniscient.

At least in myself.  I know myself, all that is me.  What makes me tick tock like the clock on the wall.  What greases my gears.  I just wish I could tell where I’m headed.  I know myself so in turn I know my past.  I can smell it.  My nose smells the past while my eyes see the present.  I smell lavender and I want to cry, I want to disappear and never be seen again.  I want to wander vast fields alone with my thoughts and feelings.

Of course not fields of lavender.

It’s funny how connected you can make a memory and a smell.  Every time I smell lavender its like a flood washing over, smothering, and blinding me.  It is a shock to my system an abrupt stop to my hectic life.  It has been almost a year but it still has its grip wrapped tightly around my heart.  I can lie and tell you it doesn’t bother me anymore, but I can’t do that, not to you and not to myself.  The first step to getting better is to accept what effect it has on you.  Once I can finally accept everything, all of these feelings, I know I can move on.  Until then, I can only do me.  Be me.  Live me.  Love me.

I let my stories tell me. I let the characters tell the facets of me.  I let the settings create a picture of my mind, the vast landscapes, the quiet forests, and untamed wildernesses.  I tell the fiction of myself and the truths of my thoughts.  The world is scary and all you have is you imagination.  Imagination that can take you to your vast landscapes, quiet forests, and untamed wildernesses.  Never failing your stories can tell more about you than even you can say about yourself.

Never forget that.

Never stop writing.

They say write what you know, but what if you know nothing?

What if what you know isn’t that interesting?  What if you can’t find the right words or the right tone?

They say your best work comes from your heart, but what if your heart isn’t in it?  Does that mean you’re heartless?  Or does it mean you don’t understand yourself?

I think that the reason we all can’t write our own War and Peace is because we all don’t understand ourselves yet.

We all are still searching for our own voices, and we can’t be heard until we find it.

SAIL - AWOLNATION

Discovered this new band recently, AWOLNATION. Its a solo project by Aaron Bruno, who, according to Wikipedia, used to be in Under the Influence of Giants and Hometown Hero.  This is his first solo project named “AWOLNATION” and this is from the first album “Megalithic Symphony.”  Each track sounds different from the last, and so far I love the whole album.

I like titles.

They get you in the mindset, they let you know what’s next.  They can also be misleading, send you the wrong way, create mystery where there was none.  

That’s why if I ever write a story, book, a novel, anything like that I will name it “Title,” or something obtuse and vague like that.  I’ll do it that way because life is like that, obtuse and vague.

How is one to know what to describe life as?

How is one to know the right sentence that will sum up all that there is?

Maybe that’s not what writers try to do, maybe they are just trying to give us a small window into their world.  Maybe its their cry for help or attention.  Maybe its not as simple as that.

I write sometimes because I feel better after.  Its like a release for my soul, my mind, my conciseness.  I could put everything I write on here, but that would be too much.

Too much of me out there for everyone.  Every so often, tough, I want a little bit of me more open, because the less me I keep bottled up, the more me I can be.

I wonder sometimes if musings like this help my writing, if they help me grow and mature in my own style.  Even if they don’t I still feel better after.

I haven’t posted in awhile, so I feel as though I have neglected my Tumblr account.  I guess now is as good a time as any to update it a little, if not the most interesting of posts.

I have been quite busy these last few weeks, I don’t have much free time now that I have a full-time job.  I love the money but, I love free time, I guess there is always going to be that kind of trade off in life.

Regardless the reason I came back today, to post on here, is that this morning as I was driving to work at 7AM, I noticed beauty.  I saw the gentle shades of yellow emanating in pleasant rings from around the sun.  Who was behind a blanket of thin clouds.  The fog rolling gently along the countryside made me wish I was camping again.

Not only did I realize the simple beauty around me but I also came to a tentative conclusion about myself these past weeks.  A conclusion that I have seen coming for awhile now.  I realized just how much I enjoy being alone.  The highlight of my day has become a test in how long I can see only nature and avoid humanity.  I relish every minute that I get alone taking in the silence, breathing the fresh air in as it whips into my truck window cooling and refreshing me.

It’s funny how beautiful the simplest of scenes can be, I just wish that I wasn’t in my truck, I wish I could have been experenicing it much more closely.

Or maybe I will just save it for when I have more time.  How I wish that could be now.

I embrace the silence, the quiet, the emptiness like a long lost brother, each hug more satisfying than the last.  So, maybe that is just it, I love the silent empty quiet because of its brief fleeting nature.

So to start I’ll present the different tenses that verbs can come in.  The example I’m going to use is Werken (to work).  This is in the infinitive, so it has yet to be conjugated, it is also a regular verb so there is no irregularity in its conjugations.

Present                         Ik werk                              I work

Simple Past                   Ik werkte                           I worked

Perfect                          Ik heb gewerkt                   I have worked

Pluperfect                     Ik had gewerkt                   I had worked

Future                          Ik zal werken                      I will work

Conditional                  Ik zou werken                     I would work

Future Perfect              Ik zal hebben gewerkt         I will have worked

Conditional Perfect      Ik zou hebben gewerkt       I would have worked

This just a brief presentation of the tense I will go into more detail in a little while.

Maybe if I post some things I’m learning, I’ll learn them better.  If it comes down to it this site is where my information comes from http://www.dutchgrammar.com/en/?n=Main.HomePage

I’ll start with verbs, since that’s where I started.